If we accept our comfort zone and never step out of it, we will never be all we can be. In this article I want to explore this, using children as the theme.

When you change what you do, the world around you changes.

I’m sure most of recognise that there is something we’d like – an experience or an opportunity that we haven’t had yet.

A number of people reading this article will want life to be be better in some way. They may want this change to happen but they may not be wandering around 24/7 trying to fix the problem.

But here is the truth. The problems most of us face are “back of mind” issues rather than “front of mind”. What this means is that we go from day-to-day coping, but never really healing the issues that gnaw away at our happiness.

Because these issues are back of mind, they are rarely noticed. They may be thought of every few week or months when the issue starts to cross a pain threshold.

For example, your teenager may be rude to you at 7.30am, but as the day moves on you might not think about that again until it happens again later. Then you wish it would be different, but then you forget about it again.

Years ago, when I was a stepparent to two children as well as a parent  to two of my own, I recognised the pains and stresses of blending two families together, especially when the kids were rude and disrespectful. Things didn’t work out in that relationship and when I left I had some issues to heal in my parenting.

I didn’t always like how my own children behaved and it would have been easy to blame them or try to change them, but I recognised that they were who they were because of who I was.

This is so because they reflected what I taught them about how they could be through my actions. So, it made sense when they did something I didn’t like, and I needed to change what I did that may have caused that to happen.

The result has been that the frustrations and pains, many parents have, just dissolved for me, one issue at a time.

It’s been nine years since I started practicing this and with one teenager and one tweenager, I’d have to go back almost 5 years to when I last felt stressed with my kids’ behaviour.

In fact, the other day I was saying how they have both become amazing people who I would readily choose as friends, because of the fine qualities they demonstrate.

So many parents feel exhausted, stressed and disrespected. Yet it doesn’t need to be that way. Just ponder what you have done that allows or causes them to be who they are. When you change what you do, the world around you changes.

Lossa love
Neil

What have you accomplished from ‘change’? Leave a comment!

Neil Fellowes shows conscious entrepreneurs, coaches, consultants and complementary therapists how to make a difference AND a profit. Visit his website at http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

In life you either get what you want or you get experiences of failing to have what you want. Life is that simple.

Why is that?

When we say we want something and then don’t do what needs to be done, our behaviour isn’t supporting our intention.

Interestingly our behaviour will always align to what we most want or to our fears about what we most want. What do I mean?

What I mean is when we really want something, our behaviour will align to it or to our anxieties about making the transformation.

So some people may currently have a contradiction between what they say they want and what they do to get it.

When we decide what we want, we create a resonance. That resonance can still include resistance or fear. Only when the resistance or fear is overcome we can achieve what we most want.

And it’s no different to where any of us are now. We have a choice to make our life or the world a better place by taking the steps to do that or to accept the status quo.

What makes the change is gentle action… loving action… spirited action… that keeps us on purpose and helps us be all we can be. And that doesn’t mean ignoring a fear, it means understanding it… accepting it… and working with it.

Fear doesn’t have to stop you. It can propel you!

We resonate with what we want when we make accepting second best a thing of the past. We resonate with what we want when we stop making excuses. We resonate with what we want if we accept our responsibility for everything we do and everything we are.

Contrast that with accepting second best… making excuses… not accepting responsibility… there is immediately a different resonance isn’t there?

Can you feel it?

If you are not currently getting what you want, look at where you accept second best, where you make excuses and where you might not be taking responsibility.

Lots of love and good wishes
Neil

Neil Fellowes shows conscious entrepreneurs, coaches, consultants and complementary therapists how to make a difference AND a profit. Visit his website at http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

One of the problems people have when they set an intention is the challenge of the knowledge gap… the gap between what you know – which is what got you to where you are now – and what you need to know to achieve what you want.

If you intend to run a business there are things you need to know. If you want better behaved children there are things you need to know. If you want a different career there are things you need to know…

And it stands to reason that for many of you that will be the case. Some people, however, having set the goal, maybe feel they know so much, that…  knowing where to start is a problem.

So you need to sift through all the possibilities and narrow this down to what it’s really going to take… And there are lots of possibilities. Let’s use business as an example here… if your goal is to have more clients you need to become aware of why you don’t have the clients. So the next thing, when you’re really clear on your focus is to pay attention. So what I’m talking about is awareness.

Awareness is all about your “in the moment attention.”  This is about what you notice about yourself and what’s happening to you as you strive towards your goal.

So if you want your children to be honest and co-operate with you and they don’t now, you need the bit of knowledge that allows that to happen. It’s the same with money, career, you name it.

So the part you need to be aware of is they need to develop a skill that “enables” what you want.

So the first thing we need to do is create a focus… know what we want. Then we need to open our awareness…

So lets say you want to change your career and someone shows you how to do that then you say “I need to think about it”. Then guess what? The opportunity goes by and you don’t change your career and you stay stuck.

A cow was stuck in a ditch and it prayed to God to help it out. A bull came along and offered help and the cow said “No, I asked God to help me.” A second bull came along and the cow gave the same response.

Praying again later the cow asked God why he hadn’t helped and God said “I did. I sent you two bulls who could pull you out.”

Strange isn’t that we’d do this kind of thing… but we do, don’t we.

We want something. We ask for something and opportunities come, but we fail to see how the energy of life response to our request and we stay stuck.

The key to this is being aware of what you ask for and how the Universe responds.

Best wishes
Neil

Neil Fellowes shows conscious entrepreneurs, coaches, consultants and complementary therapists how to make a difference AND a profit. Visit his website at http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

You’re probably familiar with the term “Fake it till you make it” – but does it work?

Years ago, when I was reconstructing life after a torrid time, I was making some decisions on what I wanted in my life.

I made a list, not just of the things and the people I wanted in my life, but who I would need to become to have those things.

At the time I was around 20st in weight and I wanted to be 13st. So I knew I need to begin to think like a 13st person.

At the time I was also without a relationship and I knew I wanted someone who had certain qualities and it seems only right that in order to attract a person who has those qualities I would need to be showing similar attributes.

If I tried to fake those attributes until I found the person I wanted and then reverted back to type, there would have been a miss-match, so I had to be honest and be sure that the changes I wanted to make would be changes that I really wanted.

And this is about me and you stepping up to be all we can be as we attract into our lives the things we desire most. This is about holding a vision of who we want to be and what we want to have around us.

I lost 7st in 6 months and met Jo days after I made the decision about what I wanted to be and who I wanted in my life.

Something else I used to do was use a back injury to manipulate situations – usually to get others to do things for me or to get out of doing something (I’m sharing this because I know some of you may use injuries in this way too).  But behaving like this no longer served me so I wanted to change. It pinches life from others and it serves no one.

I wanted my back injury to go, so I started to do exercises that supported my back. I had several holistic therapies over a year, all of which helped in various ways.

Sometimes I was in excruciating pain, but I found ways to work around it. I accepted that the pain might be me hitting a new (higher) limit of what I was capable of and I pushed myself a little further – I faked feeling better a little.

Eventually the back problem was no longer a problem (and certainly no longer an excuse).

So does fake it till you make it work. I think yes, if you are being authentic and genuine in that you are acting in new ways to become someone new.

What are your experiences?

Best  wishes
Neil

Neil Fellowes shows conscious entrepreneurs, coaches, consultants and complementary therapists how to make a difference AND a profit. Visit his website at http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

I was sitting down with Wendy the other day and I asked her what she wanted from her situation.

For the next minute (until I stopped her) she told me what she didn’t want.

Wendy’s not  unusual. To be honest, I could have substituted Wendy for a dozen other names (and more) who have done the same, when asked that question.

We all notice what we don’t want and as long as we stay focussed on that, we keep getting it.

My son used to walk through the house with his muddy shoes and I told him not to do that, but still he did it. Yet the day I told him what I wanted him to do – i.e. take your shoes off before you come in the house, things improved.

When we notice what we don’t want, it usually comes from pain (in this case dirty carpets). But when we shift the instructions and programme our brain with desired results, changes materialise.

When one of my kids speaks to me in a rude way, it’s not something I desire. It’s very simple to say, “I can’t speak to you/help you until you speak to me with respect.”

They were more annoyed to begin with, then a little confused at my change, but now that sentence is met with a quick apology and usually an immediate change in how I get spoken too.

Asking for what you want is a lot easier than hinting or hoping. But often people struggle with being so clear on what they want, because they don’t know what they want.

Any situation in life that causes you to feel upset, annoyed, angry etc, is just an early warning signal that something you don’t like just happened. Use it to uncover what you want to happen and then ask for that to happen.

It’s so much easier than having the same thing happen over and over (which it inevitably will until you change it in some way).

It’s a lot easier to ask someone to pass the salt, rather than say, “I think my dinner needs a little salt…” and have 3 other people say, “Mine does to,” then wait while they all get the salt or go without because you didn’t want to burden anyone.

Best wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

As Dan Millman said during the Spirited Living Summit: “If you want to lose weight, you don’t need to go on a radical diet, just start eating from a smaller plate.”  And as Celebrity Coach, Michael Neill said when I interviewed him, “Change doesn’t have to be painful.”

When you want it to happen, the next logical thing is for it to happen!

We can take small steps and we can allow ourselves some enjoyment and fun.

It’s not always possible to immediately go from a situation in life to your desired result, but we can often get there by taking several easy and natural steps.

A few weeks ago I asked, “What would be better than this?” If asking this question can make things 10% better, then you can make things 10% better than that.

In personal development we’re often told to write down our goals. This is a useful exercise because we gain clarity and put a little more focus into what we write. This is a great first step.

If you draw it out, too, you deepen that connection and you also stimulate the other side of your brain. This is a great second step.

New age teachings recommend we visualise what we want – sitting down and imagining things as we want them to be. And this can be a lot of fun – especially when you let your imagination run riot with juicy possibilities!

But I’d like to offer you a step I add, which may spice things up a little…

When you can imagine what you want to happen now, as you go about your day, or as you make dinner, doze in bed or while you’re out walking or sitting down in front of the TV, you’ll find it coming to you easier and quicker.

We do this when we fall in love. While we’re eating, we’re thinking about the person we’re falling in love with. We imagine what our next date will be like… what we’ll say… how we’ll say it… what we’ll wear…

And you do this with your visualisation to the point where what you want to happen feels like the next logical thing to happen.

When you get to the point of positively expecting it to happen, it will.

Best wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

We all have things we want to make a little better.

We all have challenges…

The challenges might come in relationships, at work, with our kids, with our health or something else. So there is always something we want to make a little better.

The first thing to do is the step so many miss. And yet this step really isn’t that profound. In fact it’s simple. It’s profoundly simple. So let me share what it is…

The first thing we have to do to is to make a decision to change things.

I “made” a decision to make my life better in 2002. And it doesn’t matter how good or bad life is, if you want something you don’t yet have, you have to make a decision. If you don’t, nothing changes.

There will be some people reading this article today, who have made a commitment to live life to the full and who will not turn back. These are people who will make a note and who will never look near them and there are people who are ready to make life different – however big or small the change.

In 2002 I was signed off work with a back injury, broke, obese and at this time 33 years old with two kids, and single again after 5 years of abuse. So I couldn’t really go anywhere or do anything much and… to be honest… even if I could… I’d probably have been so depressed no one would have hung out with me for long.

That left me with one focus. That focus was on what would make life better. Nothing else mattered for me at that point and there has been one question that has made a massive difference to me.

The question I ask is, “What is even better than this?”

To ask this question it doesn’t matter how good or bad life is. Asking this question can always make things just a little better.

One afternoon, after a satisfying day, I was laying on the sofa, grinning at the ceiling and I asked, what would make this even better, so I called Jo in for a hug, because sharing my good mood was better than keeping it to myself and it made the moment a bit more special.

Give the question a try…

Best wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

When I launched a novel I’d written in 2004, I had a hall filled with 100 people. I signed just under 300 copies that night as people bought multiple copies.

I was in the newspaper, on the radio, was having books delivered by the box load and it was all very exciting.

But some strange things happened that rocked me a little…

People who bought more than one copy were saying things such as one copy was for reading, one was for framing and one was a gift for a friend. I heard a story about one person who bought the book and stopped their spouses from reading it because they wanted the copy to stay in pristine condition.

I found it all bizarre. And coming 2 years after leaving an abusive relationship, and nursing low confidence and self-esteem, all the sudden attention had me reaching for the self-destruct button.

One thing I felt was a strange sense of loneliness that I felt that no one, or anything seemed to be able to fill. And I guess this is where a lot of musicians and film stars end up when they start taking drugs.

Thankfully, I didn’t go along that route and was self-aware enough to capture what was going on and shake myself out of this strange place.

Why am I telling you this story? I’m telling you this because I know many of the people reading this article want to be writers and public speakers. And it’ll be in your vision that you’re in front of people having an impact on their life – present and future. And that impact may well be quite profound.

Are people going to look up to you because you’re an author?

Quite probably they will, because being an author seems to have a certain mystique about it.

Some people who have “found you” might even worship almost every word you speak or write and they will adore you.

And that might feel strange when it happens.

My advice is to allow for this to happen when you visualise your success. Acknowledge how great you are and then see yourself responding with love and kindness and humour – knowing that the other person will get over their crush on you soon enough and you will be back amongst friends and family who will quite probably help you off the pedestal!

But these examples I’ve given you – I’m mentioning them because I want you to be aware that you may have gremlins or down days or painful moments. That succeeding with something really is lovely, but learning to handle it can seem strange.

Best Wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

As you probably know by now, we’ve been helping people – people just like you and me – to live life with purpose, passion and spirit at work and in everyday life for around five years.

The word community means “coming into unity” and CommunitySoul was inspired by a vision of people coming into unity with your soul… expanding, gently growing, being all you can be… loving life… engaging with the adventure of life.

For a long time I’ve been aware that anger, frustration, pain, fear and the like are just pointers – reminders that we have become disconnected from what’s  most important in life.

I’ve had my fair share of the painful side of life and used it time and again to resolve what’s happening. I’ve also taught others how to do this and have seen their lives changed beyond belief in a short space of time.

It’s using the pain points in life that have helped me create a life I love. I’m living in a place that’s at the base of the Mendip hills in the south west of the UK. I’ve got horse paddocks behind me and hills all around, and in the distance I have what an estate agent would call sea glimpses.

Jo and I got married just over a year ago and and for that I took 6 weeks off. And that’s not something everyone can do.

I have two kids, with who I have great relationships, and I’m one of the blessed parents whose kids tell them what a great dad I am (and it’s not always preceding a request for money or a lift!).

I’m engaged in work that  I  adore and find inspiring, serving people who want to become more… and I love that as human beings we can always expand a little more.

I’m not ever-so wealthy, but I am debt-less, and I could take six months off work without worrying and it feels good to have that kind of security.

And I’m sharing this with you because…

I want you to know that whatever setbacks you have, whatever you go through, you can build the life you want to live, from whatever starting point you are at right now.

When you are unhappy with something, it’s evidence that something needs to change. And you are the one who has to… and who can… change it.

Best wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk

“Ignorance is the night of the mind, a night without moon or star.” Confucius

Living on the outer edge of my comfort zone has helped me explore the mystery of life a little and I’d like to share some of the experience with you in the hope it provides an added source of inspiration to you.

Do you like to have a plan for the day?

When I used to wake up in the morning I wanted to feel certain about the day. I wanted to know where I had to be, how I would get there, how much everything cost, how much money I’d earn, even what I’d eat. I guess it was little wonder then that almost everyday began to follow a pattern, right down to turning off the TV news at bedtime.

After an horrific head injury in 1995 followed by a divorce, I came to understand that life had an impermanent quality and for several years I rebelled against much of the structure and certainties I’d previously created to feel secure.

It was then that I fell in step with a ‘What’s meant to be, will be’, philosophy.

After drifting for a time I began to wrestle with myself. My home was a mess, my car was in a state, my shoes had holes in them, my hair looked like the birds had been having an all night orgy in it. I was so overweight that my clothes were such a bad fit I looked like a sausage about to burst the skin!

In Honest Reflection…

My life reflected a lack of respect and gratitude for the comforts afforded to someone living within one of the most privileged cultures in the world. And here I was; not caring for my body – the vehicle gifted to me for my journey through this lifetime – and not keeping my home space a clutter-less void that left room for the magic of life, instead it was filled with the old and the battered.

But guess what I did?

Each day I made demands on the world, for more – more money, a better life, for unbounded success and love.

In my first novel Black Water, a Place of No Hope, the two main characters, a soldier and a missionary, are in the worst place on earth – a prison pen, held by terrorists, in a jungle full of cannibals on an island surrounded by sharks (and, before you ask, this place really does exist outside of my imagination). While the soldier is searching for an escape, the missionary is meditating, content she has all she needs in the world. The soldier finds her lack of attention on how to escape annoying and confronts her.

Yet she is focussed on the simplicities of life that are all too easily forgotten…

The missionary’s responds to him. She says she cannot ask God for more until she has honoured what she already has – in this case, air, water, sunlight and a few moments of peace from her captors.

From the small beginnings of honouring the simplicities of life, I have, a step at a time, learned to ‘return the favour’ for all I have, just by appreciating what I now have.

In reply for my gratitude I’ve been shown the world in greater wonder and realised I’ve been living an adventure.

When opportunity is put in my path – and sometimes this is quite scary – it somehow takes me to the edge of my comfort zone then flicks out a helping hand. If I want to hold my breath, take the hand and go with it, usually I’m blown away by what follows.

Life with a sort of plan…

These days when I wake up, I may have a few appointments or some work to get done, but I neither wake up to a regimented life or a ‘whatever will be’ attitude. These days I’ve found the balance – what “Might be and what is”.

Best wishes
Neil

http://www.communitysoul.co.uk